personal

On The Impending Future

In which Mattie discusses the trials and tribulations she is dealing with as she fumbles through her last year of college.

Over the past three years of college, I can say with the utmost confidence that I’ve had my fair share of “college” experiences, ranging from sub-par to incredible. The late nights, the new friends, the heartbreak, the never-ending pile of homework constantly sitting beside my bed… As I stand before my final year of college, I can’t decide if I’m going to miss this part of my life or not. I remember writing a journal entry three weeks into my freshman year, at a different college in a coffee shop I would never visit again, reflecting on how “in the spotlight” I felt at the time. I said that the simple state of being alone most of the time was forcing me to really reflect on who I was, what I wanted, etc etc etc. I promised myself in that journal entry that I was going to find myself during that year.

It’s now three weeks into my senior year, and I realized I’ve failed my 18 year old self. Have I really distracted myself with frivolous thoughts and activities for three entire years? How have I managed to do that? At least I’ve decided one thing that may be a step towards a reasonable future…

As I’m typing this, my GRE workbook lays next to me, untouched… unopened. Sometime during the hazy summer months, I hastily decided that I wanted to go to grad school and I still think it is a good idea, but I’m not quite sure if I’m ready. But that’s always my problem — the constant overthinking and worrying ruins everything that might be a good decision. So, am I ready? Should I pack up everything, move away from everything I’ve known, and go to grad school? I wish someone could decide for me. How much easier would life be, right? I know I’m the only one that can decide for myself.

The deadline to apply for the GRE is September 22nd.

The clock starts now.

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