On Last Sunday

In which Mattie discusses Sunday, October 29th, 2017.

Sunday is usually my favorite day of the week. After a week of being tensed up and socialized, it is my day to recharge and be away from the masses that tire me so much. Every Sunday morning, I start with two chocolate chip waffles, coffee, and reruns of Friends and it is my only me time I allow for myself throughout the whole week. I just don’t have time for myself anymore. I’m either always at school, work, or drowning in my own thoughts surrounded by the dim lights in my room. Being plagued with depression and anxiety has caused my productivity to plummet this semester and it seems I can’t get anything done without doing it 30 minutes in advance to its due date. Hell, even this blog is late.

This past Sunday, two days ago, was probably the hardest day I’ve had in over a year. I’d like to say that the constant feeling of loneliness that follows me like a shadow had reached an all-time high, that it was the strongest I had ever felt it, but I would be lying. It’s just been awhile since the last time. Maybe I was triggered by the stress of being rear ended on Friday night, or having no friends invite me out for Halloween weekend despite supposedly having over 100+ friends in my sorority, or because my mom hasn’t attempted to contact me since my birthday in August… I don’t know. I think it was all of it having accumulated and not dealt with for so long. Me vs. the monsters in my head.  After spending what felt like forever in my car thinking about everything from every angle, I decided –no, I knew— I can’t live like this anymore. Either I have to change or I can stay miserable.

I guess the day to start looking for ways to change starts today.

On Anxiety

In which Mattie discusses her most inconvenient and self-hindering personality trait — anxiety.

Hello all, and welcome back to my extremely inconsistent blog! Today we will be discussing the thing that seems to control my life most of the time — anxiety! Yay!

Anxiety has been a problem for me for as long as I can remember… even before I knew it was an actual problem. When I look back on my years in elementary and middle school, I can now identify that I even had anxiety back then. It just manifested itself in ways that could be passed off as being shy. But as I’ve grown older, and the pressure to be social is higher than ever, I realized that what I was experiencing was so much different than what everyone else seemed to be experiencing. I would look around a room of familiar faces in my high school and I felt so lost among the crowd. I still get that feeling today, all these years later.

I moved away for my first year of college without any friends by my side and it got so. much. worse. Shocker. I began to have bouts of dissociation, something I struggle with more than ever today. Then came the panic attacks, something I also still struggle with today. The list of symptoms could go on and on, but I won’t bore you with the pitfalls of my neuroticism.

Although you can have anxiety without having depression, I am not so fortunate. And although, we all could stand to work on ourselves constantly throughout life, I especially need to keep this in mind as I move into my last year of college. I’m beginning to panic about what comes next, and yeah, sure, everyone does but my GOD, do I panic like no other. I know I’m going to have to start making some decisions soon but, just like my mental health, I’ll probably push it aside until I absolutely have to come to terms with it. Not the healthiest of plans, but I guess I’m just not ready. Who is ever ready for what comes next?

On The Impending Future

In which Mattie discusses the trials and tribulations she is dealing with as she fumbles through her last year of college.

Over the past three years of college, I can say with the utmost confidence that I’ve had my fair share of “college” experiences, ranging from sub-par to incredible. The late nights, the new friends, the heartbreak, the never-ending pile of homework constantly sitting beside my bed… As I stand before my final year of college, I can’t decide if I’m going to miss this part of my life or not. I remember writing a journal entry three weeks into my freshman year, at a different college in a coffee shop I would never visit again, reflecting on how “in the spotlight” I felt at the time. I said that the simple state of being alone most of the time was forcing me to really reflect on who I was, what I wanted, etc etc etc. I promised myself in that journal entry that I was going to find myself during that year.

It’s now three weeks into my senior year, and I realized I’ve failed my 18 year old self. Have I really distracted myself with frivolous thoughts and activities for three entire years? How have I managed to do that? At least I’ve decided one thing that may be a step towards a reasonable future…

As I’m typing this, my GRE workbook lays next to me, untouched… unopened. Sometime during the hazy summer months, I hastily decided that I wanted to go to grad school and I still think it is a good idea, but I’m not quite sure if I’m ready. But that’s always my problem — the constant overthinking and worrying ruins everything that might be a good decision. So, am I ready? Should I pack up everything, move away from everything I’ve known, and go to grad school? I wish someone could decide for me. How much easier would life be, right? I know I’m the only one that can decide for myself.

The deadline to apply for the GRE is September 22nd.

The clock starts now.